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#1411 Loop Ugh, today's kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.
#1412 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles My upcoming album, 'Linked List', has covers of 'The Purple People Eater', the Ninja Turtles theme, 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini', and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.
#1413 Suddenly Popular Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!
#1414 Writing Skills I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.
#1415 Ballooning Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I'm lucky, she'll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!
#1417 Seven The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellesley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.
#1418 Horse Officer suspended from horse.
#1419 On the Phone 'No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba'al guy has to say.'
#1420 Watches Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.
#1421 Future Self Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.
#1422 My Phone is Dying When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.
#1423 Conversation Later, at home: 'Dear diary: Still can't figure out what to write here ...'
#1424 En Garde 'Touch!' 'Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.'
#1425 Tasks In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.
#1426 Reduce Your Payments I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn't light.
#1427 iOS Keyboard More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'![More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'](https://img.comicstation.store/comics/xkcd/1427/0.png)
#1428 Move Fast and Break Things I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.
#1429 Data If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.
#1430 Proteins Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!
#1431 Marriage People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.
#1432 The Sake of Argument 'It's not actually ... it's a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that's not the one we're in, to gain a broader understanding about it.' 'oh, like a boat!' '...' 'Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.'
#1433 Lightsaber A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.
#1434 Where Do Birds Go Water/ice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking 'where do birds go when it rains' is like asking 'where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?'
#1435 Presidential Alert When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'
#1436 Orb Hammer Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we'll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won't bring us very many rocks.
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