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#777 Pore Strips I'm sure they're a harmful tool of the cosmetics-industrial complex and all, but my goodness do those strips ever work to pull gunk out of your pores. I was shocked, disgusted, and vaguely fascinated by the result.
#778 Scheduling 'How about a little ... *family growth*?' 'Dude, that's not until round two.'
#779 Anxiety Don't need any, thanks. I have a backscattering fetish.
#780 Sample There are two or three songs out there with beeps in the chorus that sound exactly like the clock radio alarm I had in high school, and hearing it makes me think my life since junior year has been a dream I'm about to wake up from.
#781 Ahead Stop They actually started the reversed-text practice in 1977 -- not for ease-of-reading reasons, but because too many people were driving backward down the highway blasting the Star Wars opening theme.
#782 Desecration It gets worse! You know that wizened old monk with the gypsy wife whose voodoo shop we smash up every day after school?
#783 I Don't Want Directions Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren't about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.
#784 Falling Asleep Sweet unintersecting dreams!
#785 Open Mic Night Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?
#786 Exoplanets I'm just worried that we'll all leave and you won't get to come along!
#787 Orbiter Normally, the Shuttle can't quite safely reach the orbital inclination required to pass over both those points from a Canaveral launch, but this is an alternate history in which either it launches from Vandenberg or everyone hates the Outer Banks.
#788 The Carriage I learned from Achewood that since this poem is in ballad meter, it can be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island. Since then, try as I might, I haven't ONCE been able to read it normally.
#789 Showdown The tumbleweed then tried to roll off into the sunset, but due to the Old West's placement north of the subtropical ridge, the prevailing winds were in the wrong direction.
#790 Control Which, at one point, led to a study showing that LSD produces no more hallucinations than a placebo.
#791 Leaving What'll I say -- "I was staring at some cat vomit when I got the news?"
#792 Password Reuse It'll be hilarious the first few times this happens.
#793 Physicists If you need some help with the math, let me know, but that should be enough to get you started! Huh? No, I don't need to read your thesis, I can imagine roughly what it says.
#794 Inside Joke I've looked through a few annotated versions of classic books, and it's shocking how much of what's in there is basically pop-culture references totally lost on us now.
#795 Conditional Risk 'Dude, wait -- I'm not American! So my risk is basically zero!'
#796 Bad Ex Since the goatee, glasses, and Seltzer & Friedberg DVD collection didn't tip you off, there will be a $20 negligence charge for this service.
#797 debian-main dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES
#798 Adjectives 'Fucking ineffable' sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.
#799 Stephen Hawking 'Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--' 'PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME' 'No, I just heard that--' 'SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?' 'I don't think--' 'WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?'
#800 Beautiful Dream Lucky. In MY dream, all the people who grew up loving The Giving Tree paired up with all the students who had weird dreams after reading The Metamorphosis. That one was more confusing.
#801 Golden Hammer Took me five tries to find the right one, but I managed to salvage our night out--if not the boat--in the end.
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