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#1105 License Plate The next day: 'What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!' 'Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1's and I's.' 'That's impossible! I've been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.'
#1106 ADD 20 balloons float away while I'm busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was 'land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.'
#1107 Sports Cheat Sheet I would subscribe to a Twitter feed that supplied you with one reasonable sports opinion per day, like 'The Red Sox can't make the playoffs (championship games), but in last night's game their win seriously damaged the chances of the Yankees (longstanding rival team).'
#1108 Cautionary Ghost But then the Ghost of Subjunctive Past showed up and told me to stay strong on 'if it were'.
#1109 Refrigerator I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.
#1111 Premiere 'But what's the buzz about the film?' 'We're hoping it's distracting.'
#1112 Think Logically I've developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won't reply to my posts.
#1113 Killed In Action We can't let this happen again. We need to build a secure TWO-day-before-retirement safe room.
#1114 Metallurgy This exotic blade was wrought from a different fallen star. The meteorite was a carbonaceous chondrite, so it's basically a lump of gravel glued into the shape of a sword. A SPACE sword!
#1115 Sky I dropped a bird and I didn't hear it hit bottom.
#1116 Traffic Lights There's an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a 'no turns' sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it's telling me to do.
#1117 My Sky According to my mom, my first word was (looking up at the sky) 'Wow!'
#1118 Microsoft Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don't have any 'S's in their names for critics to snarkily replace with '$'s.
#1119 Undoing I've been sneaking out at night and installing lamps on the underside of every photovoltaic panel I can find. Sure, there are upwards of 80% losses, but I prefer to think of them as nearly 20% gains.
#1120 Blurring the Line People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation.
#1121 Identity Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you'll be set.
#1122 Electoral Precedent No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.
#1123 The Universal Label Works for any grocery or non-grocery. Even thyme is just H and time.
#1124 Law of Drama 'Drama' is just 'people being upset', when someone says they're always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.
#1125 Objects In Mirror Universes in mirror, like those in windshield, are larger than they appear.
#1126 Epsilon and Zeta The average error in the NHC forecasted position of a hurricane three days in the future has shrunk to a third of what it was in 1990--a staggering accomplishment. However, as you may have gathered, forecasts of future storm *strength* have proved more difficult to improve.
#1127 Congress It'd be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.
#1128 Fifty Shades Wishbone and the Illustrated Classics series have gotten me through every conversation I've ever had about Dickens, Treasure Island, The Anarchist's Cookbook, and Our Bodies, Ourselves.
#1129 Cell Number There's also a +1 sometimes, which is there to keep everyone on their toes. In the future, people who got to pick cool numbers by signing up for Google Voice early will be revered as wizards.
#1130 Poll Watching The choices we make Tuesday could have MASSIVE and PERMANENT effects on the charts on Nate Silver's blog!
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